Want a happier relationship?
Photo by Kelly Sikkema
Hello again my love.
We all want fulfilling relationships. We all want the benefits that healthy relationships have to offer… but none of us want to do the work required to cultivate them.
When the health of your important relationships are overlooked and neglected, you slowly start to see the benefits disappear and the problems and obstacles appear.
In order to maintain healthy relationships, make sure your side of the street is solid before you decide it’s the other person’s fault. The four most important areas are:
1. intimacy
2. trust
3. communication
4. friendship
Let’s see if you’re unintentionally neglecting any of these areas in your relationships or with yourself.
Intimacy is not just for the touchy touchy, ya’ll. Intimacy is quite literally, your ability to be vulnerable and honest with someone else. It’s sharing all your raw and real yucky stuff. All your fears. All your insecurity’s. All your secrets. This is true intimacy.
How often are you sharing what you really think and feel? I don’t mean sharing all the petty, insulting thoughts that may cross your mind, keep those to yourself.
I mean the true thoughts and feelings that are at the source of your negative emotion. Have you been completely honest with this person— about everything? Have you even been completely honest with yourself? Or do you hold back because you don’t think sharing the truth is that important to the health of the relationship?
If you really want healthy relationships, you’ll know how important sharing the truth is.
2. I’ll tell ya what, it’s nearly impossible to truly trust another person if you can’t fully trust yourself. If you can’t trust yourself, then under the surface you’re constantly doubting and questioning all your decisions—including who you are in relationships with.
How do you think you’ll behave with another whole ass person if this is how you’re treating yourself? A trusting icon? The Beyonce of trust? No. You’ll be doing the same shit—doubting and questioning them.
Just because you don’t know how to trust yourself yet doesn’t make everyone else less trustworthy. It’s ok. Learning how to trust yourself again is easy. All it takes is repeating one step over and over until you get there: keep small, realistic, and kind promises to yourself daily.
3. Communication isn’t just for the birds. Though they are masters at it. We constantly overlook effective communication today because some dumb ass along the way decided they could read minds and deduce what other people are thinking just by interpreting their words and actions. And we all followed suit.
This is the source of all relational suffering. You CAN’T know what another person is really thinking, feeling, believing, or wanting unless you ASK. So communicate like you speak entirely different languages. (Because you literally do.)
Be so specific and thorough with your communicating it’s obnoxious. And make sure you have clearly communicated with yourself before you enter into a communication with someone else. That way, you know exactly where you stand, what you think and you’re tuned into what you’re really feeling.
4. Did you know that you’re supposed to be friends with yourself? Yeah, you’re supposed to like your own company and have the ability to be alone for long periods of time without wanting to claw your way out of your body or get blacked out drunk.
Getta load of this: Friendship is a state of enduring trust, intimacy, unconditional love and communication with someone. Huh. It’s almost like the whole point of a healthy relationship is to just be really great friends? Do you see the people you’re in a relationship with as a good friend? Or do you see them as a burden and a bummer?
How about the way you see yourself? Is it all love? Or do you judge and ridicule the shit out of yourself (…that’s not being a good friend).
There’s a lot to think about here.
I’ll leave you to it.
Good luck my friends. I love you.
Your friendly coach,
Ellicia
